Written/directed by Floria Sigismondi, The Runaways, the true story of rock’s first successful all-girl band (pre-70’s), is a nimble romp through the early days of the genre-busting group. Based in part on the book by former lead singer Cherie Currie, The Runaways is not The Doors with lipstick. Instead it comes off as The Doors as if made by Lifetime. I assumed if there was a movie made about a famous rock band there would be an interesting tale to tell. Rock and roll, right?! Kind of. It all felt very simple to me – like an easy math problem: Desire + Luck = Famous. It isn’t that easy of course or I would be writing for Judd Apatow. My point is the success felt a little too pat for my tastes. But I do remember those days – if vaguely…

I was only 7 or so when heard ‘I Love Rock N Roll’ by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts for the first time. I can remember my older brother making me get up and flip the records back then – his mumbled threats of ‘beating my ass if I didn’t’ so real to me my knuckles would crack I would be flipping so fast. But man she could rock. It was, along with Centerfold by The J Geils band – one of my early favorites. Her videos slammed into my cortex like an 8 ball of grape Pixy Stix (see for yourself). Something about her struck a nerve with me – the dark hair, smoky eyes, fu attitude – it was quite a package. And I was only 7!

Way before girls would become an overwhelming, thought-obliterating tri-breasted (thanks Total Recall) monster in my life – there was Joan Jett (and Wonder Woman. I’ve been told, again, that there isn’t room in my reviews for any of my classic Wonder Woman fan fiction (still waiting for a valid reason why Eddie V) so I will instead make clever use of WordPress and hide a link to my WW erotica somewhere in the review of this watered down, still enjoyable movie). Regrettably, for the next 28 years or so, I would hear ‘Joan Jett’ and only think of I Love Rock N Roll, Crimson and Clover and my brother punching me. Her past rock life was as unknown to me as Divx is to our beloved Apple TVs. But no more – and I am not talking about XMBC.

15 year old (!) Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) runs into a mental record producer, Kim Fowley (Michael Shannon) and he takes a bit of a shine to her. Flash forward about a second and they are trolling the teen hangouts/bars for other bandmates. Enter Cherie Currie played by Dakota Fanning. Fast forward another few seconds and they are touring Japan as a one of the biggest acts around. Wha-?

The Runaways is over before you know it and not because of losing track of time in the sumptuous story telling. A tidy 85 minutes in and then a rushed and somewhat confusing 5 minute final act swiftly brings this piece of rock candy fluff to an end. Alas, what could have been. 2 ½ stars*.

*I know, I know. ‘Half star? But you promised! And there aren’t any unicorns!’ Calm down. Watch this movie and tell me the performances of Dakota Fanning and Michael Shannon don’t warrant the unusual inclusion of the ½ star.

This Date Night is a textbook descent into ‘good concept, poor execution SNL skit-town’ and Mango is the mayor.

Quite the opening line, huh? I’m trying something new here – a quick tag line to give you the gist of it. What’s the extended gist? We have two of the funniest people on television right now in Steve Carell and Tina Fey. Am I sure they’re funny? You tell me: 7 Emmy’s  and a Kids Choice Award…all on Tina’s mantle. No matter! These people are hilarious and just because Steve Carell doesn’t have any of the 8 awards Tina throws in his face every Red Carpet, he is still very funny. Unfortunately the number 8 also totals the number of jokes that hit in this movie.

The story certainly starts off promising enough with a couple of exhausted parents, Phil and Claire, trying to find the energy to do the no-pants polka. Like any married couple sometimes the signals can get crossed and you end up blindfolded getting a prostate check by the Poland Springs guy while your wife tries to find the right microSD card for the Nikon…. I’ve heard that can happen. Other times you forget about your partners feelings, their needs or your safe word and you can lose touch.

A scheduled date night looms and they decide to do it up Buxton-style and go into the city and eat at an authentically overpriced Manhattan restaurant. Of course, there are no tables and with their marriage showing cracks, they decide to take the reservation of another couple who seem not to have shown. As The Cars famously stated: Let the good times roll! That is until the local crime boss sends some thugs over to the restaurant to grab the people whom Phil and Claire are pretending to be. Shenanigans firmly established, the movie then rockets off into setup after setup – with some funny characters and amusing moments.

Considering the pedigrees of the stars in this film I was surprised at how tame it all seemed. I wondered if the script was brutal to begin with and they expected Fey and Carrel to Second City their way out of bad dialogue. Luckily, and this comment might bring down the entire internet – Mark Wahlberg saves the film.

Everyone still here? OK, good. I mean it. His shirtless badass is a breath of fresh air in this movie and about the only thing that rings true. His scenes with Phil and Claire are pretty funny and almost make the film. He oozes sexuality (my wife added that line – she edits me) and apparently fell into a vat of olive oil before each take. He is so shiny! He plays a very central and integral role and I wouldn’t want to spoil it much beyond what the trailer showed you.

This review has been hard for me. There are definitely some funny moments but in reading back my review it seems like I didn’t like it at all. I think I just had overly high expectations for them teaming up. Kind of like the movie Heat with Pacino and De Niro. I couldn’t wait for them to share a screen and when they did I was left unfulfilled.

Will you laugh? Yes. Are there some memorable moments? Yes. Highlights include any scene with Mark Wahlberg, the strip club absurdity and the blooper enhanced credits. It’s just OK and I say that from a place of love. 2 stars.

Have you ever felt alone? Do you read comic books and make teenage girls uncomfortable? Have you ever felt that there was more to this life than just awkwardness and loneliness? Are you aware of the world record for number of questions to open a movie review? Have you ever wanted to be a superhero?

Based on the comic book by Mark Millar, KICK-ASS tells the origin story of Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) who decides that he’s had enough of his current, stale living situation. What makes it stale? He spends his days masturbating to National Geographics and his English teacher’s unrestrained middle-aged bombs. When not eating dinner in silence with his Dad, he goes to the comic book store with his two nerd friends – one of whom is the up-and-coming Clarke Duncan from Sex Drive and Hot Tub Time Machine. He wonders aloud why the role of superhero has not been filled by anyone in real life. His friends laugh at him and tell him he’s crazy – that anyone who tried it would be dead before the end of the day. Dave doesn’t think so. Dave thinks it’s time for a hero that people can believe in. Dave has an Amazon Prime account and a lust for green neoprene scuba suits. And so we begin.

Watching Dave in disguise as KICK-ASS as he comes upon his first group of ruffians is exhilarating. You can feel the adrenaline coursing through his body as he enters the fray. Hell, I had the same 6-pack of 5-Hour Energy feeling just watching him prepare for battle. Haven’t we all had this fantasy of being a superhero and curb-stomping our way through the crime-ridden areas of our cities? It would be so freaking GREAT! This movie pumps you up and then makes you want to get up and punch a politician.

Meanwhile, Dave’s heroic battle is caught on video and uploaded to YouTube. A phenomenon is born not seen since that kid who was on meth after his dentist appointment. People are excited, people are talking, and people are inspired. Suddenly the criminals of the city have other superheroes to worry about: Big Daddy and Hit Girl. Big Daddy is Batman with a hangover and early onset dementia played wonderfully by a suddenly resurgent Nick Cage. He has been picking the right roles lately. Hit Girl… needs her own paragraph.

Hit Girl is an 11 year old, dockside sailor-mouthed killing machine who would give Jet Li a run for his money. A one-girl death squad with a Hello Kitty backpack stuffed with guns and knives, she piles up bodies like a snowplow. She can take a beating also – which admittedly was a little uncomfortable to watch. She is a great character and I would love to see more of her.

Is there a bad guy in this film? Sure, but who cares? This movie is a vehicle for kids to KICK-ASS and KICK-ASS they do. KICK-ASS has a frenetic pace, a stylish look, bawdy dialogue, some great casting choices and is topped by a great soundtrack. Kill Bill with kids describes this film to a large degree. And that is a good thing. You should have a great time during this movie as you discover what it’s like to be a superhero. Does this green scuba suit make me look fat? 3 stars.

If you’ve read any of my older reviews, and let’s not kid ourselves – you haven’t, you know that I have a love of gods, monsters, magic and mythology. Clash of the Titans mostly delivers on the promise of gods fighting humans for control of the world. Toss in a few monsters and this Daddy likey.

Clash of the Titans tells the story of a young man, Perseus, who is wronged by the gods and seeks his revenge. Our protagonist faces many trials along the way, including giant scorpions, a creature from the black lagoon and lest we forget, Medusa, the original stone cold killer (Ed’s note: weak pun)?

If you remember the original Clash of the Titans, there are some changes made in this film, but not enough to have you run screaming from the theater or find it unrecognizable. Some of the roles are reduced from the first film and, sadly, there is little to no fan service to those who grew up on the campy 80s flick (there is one brief, albeit notable exception). Perseus, played by Avatar’s Sam Worthington, is less likeable and more angst ridden than Harry Hamlin’s silky-coifed original. Maybe the fun-loving 80s had something to do with lending a lighter tone to the original, but everyone seems angrier in the new version.

But let’s be honest, the story is really just an excuse to have mortals battling giant mythological beasts and minions from the underworld. Stripped of any other reason for existing, the story achieves its goals on this score. The characters dutifully go from set to set, fighting to the death in glorious, poorly choreographed and blurry action sequences. Admittedly, there are still awe-inspiring moments, such as when the Kraken explodes forth from the boiling sea to take on the townspeople or a bow-slung Medusa slithers among the ruins.

Acting standouts include Liam Neeson as Zeus and Jason Flemyng as Calibos. For reasons known only to the scriptwriters, the rest of the gods are set dressing only – inexplicably including Poseidon. Of some note is the part played by Gemma Arterton as Andromeda. Unfortunately this character was transformed so much from the origin role that I was distracted when she was onscreen. For some reason Andromeda was changed from a motherly, somewhat fierce god to a bombshell who wants to create lots of little demigods with Perseus.

For an early spring/summer blockbuster, this rebooted Clash of the Titans delivers on over-the-top action and excitement. At its best, this popcorn movie is semi-enjoyable throughout, but feels like it was born without a soul. Don’t expect the mind-blowing movie-making levels of a film like Inception, and you may even enjoy this new Clash. 2 stars

Cop Out stars Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan as two cops who unravel a moronic mystery served up by an anemic villain born from Rosie O’Donnell and Tony Borowiak of All-4-One fame (‘I Swear’ – you know you remember). Sean William Scott stole the trailer and continued on to steal the movie as his character is pretty amusing. The rest of the cast bears no mention and reminded me of the roster of the Cleveland Cavs when LeBron still fake-cared: Money for one star and 10 guys from the Y fill out the rest. I would bet they wanted Eddie Murphy but couldn’t afford him. And yes I know Eddie is box office death but this movie would have been perfect for him. They even tried ripping off the great Beverly Hills Cop theme ‘Axel F’ by Harold Faltermeyer. Unreal.

The movie zooms along frenetically from plot point to plot point, ham fistedly throwing story arcs around like batarangs. They try very hard to fill your mind with subplots so that you don’t focus on the fact that one of the cops is mentally handicapped.

Plotlines aside, the movie is still terrible. It seems the directors main job was to give Tracy Morgan a face full of meth-laced blow before every scene and watch him scream his lines. Even with the meth I still think it was only a fraction of the ratass crazy swirling around his dome. Unleashing the full force of Tracy Morgan might end the world. I think the Mayans had it right and the end of the world is coming on December 21 2012 when they release Cop Out Deux.

Cop Out is one of the worst movies I’ve seen since last week. There – I said it. No preamble. No waxing lyrical about anything. The extended skit is brutally bad and an insult to Bruce Willis and his tough guy legacy. The movie spreads the chuckles out like a one legged hobo at a candy convention. It has been done better – much better – in many other films. Look for Midnight Run, Lethal Weapon, Hot Fuzz et all.

Get ready for more because it is one of the first of an inevitable avalanche of buddy cop movies coming out over the next few years. They mixed it up with a little chocolate in the vanilla pudding but a mentally ill Tracy Morgan can’t save an inept Bruce Willis. Bruce should stick to Die Hard and The Whole Nine yards threequels. 1 star.

The Bounty Hunter stars Jen Aniston and Gerard Butler as exes thrown together by circumstance. Think of it like the classic Midnight Run without any of the elements that made it a classic: storyline or actor chemistry. Since the writers and directors just mailed it in I will do the same for the review.

The title spells out most of what you need to know, and my opening paragraph fills in the rest. That pretty much gives you the storyline. Any amount of rom-com movie watching you’ve experienced in the last 50 years will also help as you’ve seen it all before, and in many cases better.

Jen Aniston is a delight in Friends reruns. Her appeal apparently ended in syndication because her act is tired. When that body goes I worry for her career. I would say her talents are wasted in this role but in reality it is about as good as it gets for her.

Gerard Butler is basically a groin with legs. Its entire film career proves this. Yes the groin can talk with an accent and has a mischievous grin but its talents end there. And no, Mom, baby making is not a talent. Yes I know he’s hot as grits.

This is the part of the review where I rail against the Hollywood machine for putting out this drivel or I lament talented actors picking bad roles. I don’t feel comfortable doing that here though. I think everyone involved got what they deserved from what they put into it.

In my opinion there are times in this movie when the ‘plot’ is revealed for what it truly was – a construct to pair a horny producer with Jen Aniston. The movie was a byproduct of this unholy pairing and it shows in every frame. And can someone please tell me why Gerard Butler keeps getting work? Watch this movie muted and ogle the pretty people. 1 star.

Peter Jackson – living legend. Middle Earth Grand Master (take that Arthur Rankin)!

The world absolutely loved the Lord of the Rings trilogy so I had high hopes that he could direct another blockbuster. The title was odd and something I didn’t remember from Tolkien’s work but I have a life, am I right? Anyway, when I first heard about this movie I ran out and purchased a large box of adult orangutan diapers. Peter Jackson and the Olympians: The Lighting Thief would be his triumphant return to the fantasy world he so obviously crawled out of. I knew that I needed to be first in line at the theater, probably 2-3 weeks early, and I wanted to be prepared for the inevitable situations that would arise. To my surprise, I didn’t have to worry about a line forming for the movie in the weeks before so I had stopped sleeping out in front of the theater. I continued to wear the diapers as I found them surprisingly absorbent.

My anticipation levels reached a fever pitch the day it opened. When I stopped by Lenscrafters for my new glasses I eagerly chatted up my eye care specialist, Xtin’a. He claimed to have read the book but kept going on about Zeus, Poseidon and the rest of the Greek gods. He went on and on about a boy who discovers he is part of an ancient family, humans and gods getting it on (backstory only), transforming pen-swords and friendship unsullied by blood, hell or Medusa.

It sounded like a ripping good time to be had for $10 even if Xtin’a was wrong about the plot. I love stories about the Greek gods and being directed by Peter Jackson was the icing on the lembas (look it up).He was obviously lying and hadn’t read the book so I complimented him on his bedazzled eye-patch and left for the theater.

And then I put on my new glasses. Percy Jackson, not Peter Jackson. And judging by my lopsided sideburns the old prescription had other unintended consequences. Color me embarrassed.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief is a pretty good movie based on a pretty good set of books. The action is fast paced with some great sets and scary monsters. While not in the same realm as Harry Potter, I daresay I enjoyed it more than any of the Narnia films.  I highly recommend the books and if we’re both lucky you may find yourself branching out into other areas of myth and legend. As for the movie itself, I am obliged to give it a wistful 2.5 stars.

In the spirit of the 80’s theme of the movie this will be an interactive, choose-your-own-adventure type of review. I think this movie will benefit from this approach due to the 80’s cultural references so let’s begin:

1. Did you live in the 80’s between the ages of 12 and 20?

Yes? Go to #2. No? Go to #12.

2. Do you like inexplicable nudity on hot women?

Yes? Go to #7. No? Really? OK, well…Go to #12.

3. Do you like 80’s music, ‘cause the film is full of hot hair bands?

Yes? Go to #4. No? Go to #12.

4. Can you appreciate the finer points of Rob Cordry, who steals the film?

Yes? Go to #6. No? Go to #12.

5. Do you mind the science of time travel being delivered by a wasted Chevy Chase?

Yes? Go to #8. No? Go to #12.

6. Did you like The Wedding Singer?

Yes? Go to #5. No? Go to #12.

7. Is this funny line funny to you? ‘I’ve had, like, two wine kills, Captain Buzzcooler.’

Yes? Go to #3. No? Go to #12.

8. Do you love running gags throughout a movie that might involve Back to the Future and dismemberment?

Yes? Go to #9  No? Go to #12.

9. Do you like Jon and Kate plus Eight?

Just wondering. Go to the next question. Or click here.

10. Do you like prank phone calls with hilarious consequences?

Yes? Go to #11. No? Go to #12.

11. Buy or rent this film even if you can’t answer #1 in the affirmative. I saw it with a mixed group and we all loved it. Other people I know had trouble with all the 80’s references but there is still comedy to be found here regardless of your age. It is hilarious. There are many quotable lines that you will be using over and over again. John Cusack has some good lines but this is Rob Cordry’s film from the moment he rocks out in his garage. There is also a sequel already laid out if you listen closely to some past trip they took. Watch this with some friends and you won’t be disappointed. Three stars.

12. You’re dead inside. Go to 10.

Can a post apocalyptic movie be uplifting? Can Denzel Washington play any other character besides an angry police officer/bodyguard? Does Gary Oldman remind you of the homeless man on the corner you pass every day who is cross examining a dead pigeon? In a world that is a blasted wasteland dotted with pockets of huddled, bedraggled humanity – or maybe they just shot it in Detroit – you will find your answers. Read on…

The Book of Eli stars Denzel Washington as Eli and Gary Oldman as Carnegie, characters in a story as old as the pickle-age of Oldman’s liver (114). Eli walks west, trying to mind his own business while carrying a book that Gary Oldman wants more than a shower.

In a world that has moved on after a cataclysm, basic necessities are worth gold. Shampoo and lighters are currency for water, food and lodging. Scavenging corpses for any sort of valuables is the only way to survive. If you don’t have any shampoo or fire you can try and make useful items from found detritus. Eli saunters into town looking to barter some forehead gloves for pepperoni Hot Pockets and ends up square in the sights of Carnegie, the local mayor. When the two cross paths bullets and body parts fly.

Directed by the Hughes brothers, the landscape traveled by Eli is a thoroughly convincing, bleak ‘scape, populated with disturbing characters befitting a world gone to hell. Watching Eli move through these situations, always calculating his exit strategy, is a treat to watch. Eli is nothing but precise in his movements and watching him negotiate his way out of trouble is quite disturbing but in an oddly satisfying way. Seeing justice dealt in such a gruesome fashion just feels right.

The story is solid and don’t let it enter your mind that a simple locked room at a Motel 6 could have solved everything. The journey is a fun one and I have saved something for the fellas I have not mentioned about the film hidden in this sentence, Mila Kunis.

The movie is not only about Eli smashing his way through the west. There is a deeper message in the film that is right up my alley: faith. Faith is something that cannot be proven nor disproved – it just is. Eli is doing what he does based on faith and faith alone. The film deals with these themes in a very broad way but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. George Michael had it right: You gotta have faith, faith, faith. 3 stars.

Watching the Daybreakers trailer on my Apple TV was a great joy of mine. Atmospheric and gritty I would watch it every weekend, hoping for a new version of the trailer. I love vampires and I was looking forward to a fresh take on the old story – and this film, for the most part, does not disappoint.

The movie Daybreakers presupposes a world run by vampires. Human beings, those that are left, are either hunted or hooked up to large blood draining machines. The human race is dwindling as the vampires capture/destroy them so time is running out on their food supply. A blood substitute is high on their list of priorities (after night tennis) and they have the best of the best working on it. What are a gaggle of vampires to do when the blood substitutes aren’t working and humans keep dying? You’ll have to watch the movie to find out but I can tell you it will be a mostly enjoyable ride.

Ethan Hawke is a specialist trying to invent the blood substitute for the vampires. As mentioned above the tests are not…well, let’s just say they need to check their formula again. While out driving one night he has an accident with a bunch of illegal humans and offers to help them. This starts a chain of events that will change the world.

The world, I should mention, is fully realized with cars that have day driving modes and where a regular coffee means a splash of blood instead of cream. For the first half the film does a great job supporting its own premise which many movies fail at miserably (hello Prince Caspian). The second half falls off a bit as the action sequences take over but I think there was still room to buttress the idea. Peter Jackson didn’t take any scenes off…

The film took a slight downturn when Willem Dafoe turned up for reason that will have to remain shrouded in mystery. His acting ability, always suspect in my mind anyway, reminded me of Liza Minelli’s performance at my local theaters reimagining of Fiddler on the Roof. You get the idea.

The film is dark, extremely gory at times and has an interesting, stark look until near the end. The story is very interesting and I would have liked to have seen another 15 minutes worth of vampire life in this new world. 3 stars. Willem Dafoe 1 star.

Please do not believe what you saw on the Huffington Post – I am indeed alive. To those of you worried enough about my wellbeing to reach out to Eddie V., please stop emailing and calling as he is overwhelmed with the two messages. The reason for my slight delay in delivering another great movie review can be boiled down to one simple thing: Never try the fresh clams at a roadside bowling alley in Oklahoma.

Unlike the gastrointestinal issues I suffered on the way back from said state, I have great memories of The Wolfman, a rip-roaring slasher flick that does a great job mixing the old with the new. Seeing this movie made me fondly remember the old Ceature Double Feature movie block on WLVI TV56 here in Boston. The entire “feel” of the movie is spot on – from the music to the lighting to the camera angles.

Benecio Del Toro stars as a popular actor who heads back home to help out his family during a crisis. Upon arriving he is entangled in a mystery that will soon lead him to question everything he knows and loves. Going home to a place you have never felt comfortable and dealing with old prejudices and slights has never been so expertly captured on film. I remember having those feelings at certain times in my life – every one of them. Well, except the taste for human flesh. That has never happened to me.

Anthony Hopkins, as the father, glides around each frame like a wizened, mental Elton John. His pale, creased face, looking like my grandmother’s ankles, glints with mischievous delight as he revels in picking apart his son. His story is a good one and he plays the majority of his role well.

Emily “The Body” Blunt (Editor’s note: You are the only one who calls her that – yeeHAW!) serves very little purpose throughout the film except to show some milky British back and cry occasionally. She is not bad per se but she is just…there. Without giving too much plot away regarding her twin sister who turns out to be Mothra, let me just say that her role is forgettable.

Lord Elrond (Hugo Weaving) continues to play the same role in every film he plays. Most of what he says could be cut right into Lord of the Rings without missing a beat. I do give his mustache 3 stars, however.

This movie is about The Wolfman and what it is to be The Wolfman  – and it delivers. When The Wolfman leaps onscreen the first time you will be afraid. Skin and limbs fly like the wrap party KFC buffet at The Biggest Loser. This is a well crafted movie that you should watch at night with a bowl of popcorn and some grape Zarex. Is it perfect? Is any movie other than Wedding Crashers? 3 stars.

Shutter Island stars Leonardo DiCaprio as a U.S. Marshal investigating a missing patient at a mental hospital for the criminally insane. During the investigation he has to come to grips with a past trauma that threatens to tear him apart. Sounds like an exciting thriller, right?

For the most part it is. The story twists and turns, characters say strange and interesting things with only their eyes and the atmosphere drips with secrets and menace. There are some sequences that are disturbing in a very subtle way. You will be thinking about the themes of this movie long after it is over. This can be credited directly to the director, Martin Scorsese. Who’s that, you ask?

Martin Scorsese is a genius director who has blessed us with some of the greatest movies presented on the silver screen. I am in awe of this man and the movies he creates. He is untouchable in my eyes and any dissenting opinion will be met with crushing blows from my powdered wig collection.

The clues flutter around you like butterfly wings as you try to piece together what is wrong at this hospital. Scorsese gives you just enough info to keep the truth just out of reach and the climax, while subdued, is still satisfying. After you watch this film you may want to watch it again. You’ll understand why – trust me.

3 stars.

PS If you read the book you will be missing some motivation for the characters and some back story that, in my opinion, would have made a better film.

PPS I find myself staring at my wig collection with increasing wariness.

When I was first contacted by Eddie V, I was ecstatic. I assumed that my many demo tapes had made it through his brick wall of a brother, Alex, and eVan Halen would rise over rockdom like a volcanic ash cloud over the UK. My hopes were quickly dashed when I read beyond the opening greeting and figured out he was not Eddie Van Halen, but was literally just Eddie V. What’s got two thumbs, red leather pants and a look of disappointment? This guy…

Still, I wanted the gig because I had always wanted any sort of job that could legitimately be called a gig. Plus, I love movies. I graciously accepted the position after being denied a lock of Wolfgang Van Halen’s hair and quickly checked AMJ’s Cinemira for a movie to review. When I found out I was joining the week after The Lovely Bones was available and would not be able to write about the film, I was not thrilled. I considered creating a new demo tape for Evanescence but decided to take the job and write about Crazy Heart. In the back of my mind, however I knew this day would come…

The Lovely Bones is an ambitious film with a great story and a wonderful cast and I say this even though Mark Wahlberg is in it. Peter Jackson deserves credit for taking on this story and Mark Wahlberg as many of the fantasy elements from the both the book and Wahlberg’s persona would be difficult for other directors to pull off (what’s up M. Night?). Being a master of fantasy he handles it as well as anyone, but it has some issues which detract mightily from its final score. More on that in a minute.

Stanley Tucci delivers an amazing, solidly creepy performance that will have you squirming in your seat. He is so good it makes you nervous about your neighbors. I was in awe of his ability to become the character so completely. How can someone that twisted blend in so seamlessly with society?

Susan Sarandon, Rachel Weisz and Saoirse Ronan round out the impressive, pedigreed cast and they do not disappoint. You shouldn’t have any complaints as far as the abilities of the actors and their willingness to deliver the goods.

What you may complain about are the many fantasy interludes that are in the film. They break up the flow of the movie and about a third of the way through I was fed up with them. I found myself spacing out, thinking of Wahlberg telling a Tucci-faced donkey “say hi to your mother for me,” over and over. The majority of these scenes should have been left on the cutting room floor.

Believe it or not, there is too much of the book in the film, and many aspects of it do not translate. Jackson’s meticulous treatment of Tolkien’s work was a confirmed triumph but The Lovely Bones, while not a failure, never reaches similar heights. 2 stars.

When I first saw the trailer for Legion I was giddy with glee. I loves me some angel movies. Just thinking about battles between angels and humans, God’s fiery wrath, possibly a Jesus cameo (OMG) made me damp with anticipation. I sat down with some Sour Patch Kids, a gallon of Sprite and a bible in case sh*t got real and dove in.

The movie started out incredibly well, was extremely atmospheric and really ratcheted up the tension quickly. The main set, a diner, was a cool little spot for the film. There are some good actors in this, from Dennis Quaid to a new-to-me Tyrese Gibson. Dennis was in fine form as always (let us not speak of Cold Creek Manor), but to me the one with the most star power was Mr. Gibson. He just has that certain something and I would like to see more of him. The rest of the actors fill their roles nicely, in particular the old woman in the beginning – such a sweetie!

The story, however, is a bit of a letdown because it feels like it was created from a beefaroni-stained Mad Libs found in a garbage can. The angel angle was most assuredly just a device to deliver yet another zombie movie. Don’t get me wrong, I like zombie movies but I felt cheated slightly when I realized that was all it was about. The trailer rocked so I expected more going in. I should know better and remember that trailers should not be trusted. They show you one movie in the trailer and deliver something completely different sometimes. I remember one trailer that seemed to describe a modern day Great Escape. That movie was Brokeback Mountain…

There are a few action sequences that are adrenaline pumpers but won’t make you forget Avatar. The special effects are pretty good and the monsters and angels are suitably both scary and otherworldly. I didn’t get the sense they skimped here and it works.

Legion is a solid zombie action movie with some blood, a few scares and possibly a breakout actor in Tyrese Gibson. You could do a lot worse in a Friday night video store when all the copies of  Avatar are gone than renting this flick on iTunes: 2 stars.

Evan: “I don’t want to review this movie.”
Apple Movie Junkie Honcho: “You owe us 150 words.”
Evan: “But Leap Year was inane.”
AMJH: “143 to go, muchacho.”
Evan: “I’m not French, I told you.”
AMJH: “Tell me this: was there overt sexual tension between the leads, à la Ellen and Simon?
Evan: “Actually, there was no spark between the costars, Amy Adams and Matthew Goode. What is that purring sound?”
AMJH: “Nothing. What are you wearing?”
Evan: “Two piece. Wait -.”
AMJH: “Forget about that. How was the irascible John Lithgow?”
Evan: “Blink and you’ll miss him. I think he owed someone a favor to take this thankless, worthless role.”
AMJH: “What about the locale?”
Evan: “They made Ireland look like an Irish Spring commercial shot in Baghdad.”
AMJH: “Ouch.”
Evan: “It’s a shame really because there was a smidgen of an idea here. Sandra Bullock might have made it a little better.”
AMJH: “Interesting, because you are a huge fan of romantic comedies like The Proposal, so why not this one?”
Evan: “The reason for going to Ireland was thin at best, the boyfriend was unlikable from the start, the music was ripped from my Mom’s Zune and – what is that sound?”
?: “He can hear us.”
Evan: “Who’s that?”
AMJH: “No one. Would anyone like this movie?”
Evan: “Sure. It’s harmless enough. A decent rental if you have low expectations. The aggravating thing is it could have been better. The bones of a better movie exist under the stinking carcass of John Lithgow’s career. Amy Adams isn’t charming enough, the accents aren’t Irish enough and the use of Ireland as a comedic locale is wasted. It does improve some in the second half, there is some romance and they make a cute, if non-sexual, couple. It’s all just OK which is the worst you can say about a movie. If you are looking for a cookie cutter rom-com then step right up – this will fit the bill.”
AMJH: “Was anything good about it?
Evan: “The fact that it ended. 2 stars.”

It’s Complicated stars a slumming Meryl Streep as a divorced mother of three who begins an affair with her ex-husband, the underrated Alec Baldwin. I call it an affair because she is simultaneously dating Steve Martin, so in the minds of newly minted movie reviewers everywhere she is kind of, how do you say, loose with her morals. The rest of the movie is spent trying to figure out who Meryl will end up with and for the most part you enjoy the trip.

The acting overall is at a pretty high level. Streep delivers a workmanlike performance – solid if uninspiring. She was much more inspired in Mamma Mia! Baldwin chews up each scene he is in so completely it’s as if the script was covered in mayonnaise. Please treasure his acting, if not his parenting skills. I could talk about Steve Martin here but I found him to be kind of a blah character. He does have one amusing scene involving some recreational activities but I leave that to you to discover.

Meryl’s kids are so boring I question if Nancy Meyers has even met a child. The Office’s John Krasinski stands out as the son-in-law with some very funny scenes. He is starting to come off a little Pacino for me, though, very one note in his performances. I’m not sure if he is acting or just being himself – hence the sameness of it all.

Overall, the movie moves pretty briskly from setup to setup and Nancy Meyers continues to show a deft hand for the written word, as the dialogue (except the children’s) is as sharp as Alec Baldwin’s hatred for his ex-wife.

Survey Says – 2.5 stars

I know, I know. You’re at home with iTunes open, ready to click the link to get this movie and your thinking – this guy is really funny and the movie sounds great, but what is this half star malarkey? I agree; the half star is one of this country’s worst gifts to cinema. But the movie is only OK. It’s not great. So why did I throw in a half star? The house. The house used for the film is amazing. Everyone from my Mom to my wife to my parole officer loved it and wanted to move in immediately.

Note: I promise to not abuse the half star in the future. Unless the movie has a beautiful house. Or unicorns.

My name is Evan Buxton and I shall be your movie reviewer. You can trust 50.4% of what I tell you. The other 50.6% is only partly true. When I’m not figuring out difficult percentages I write movie reviews.

Crazy Heart

Crazy Heart stars a low-key Jeff Bridges strumming and squinting his way through existence as a quasi-famous blues musician. He travels the road from dust bowl to dust bowl, quaffing booze, bedding rum soaked grandmothers (except the smoke show in Albuquerque) and generally just barely getting by. He is basically Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler with a guitar instead of wristbands loaded with razorblades. He has that same grim determination, driving city to city, delivering what the fans want, what they are demanding from him – even as it is slowly killing him.

During the opening scenes we see him singing on stage and working the crowds and it is obvious the man still has talent – but the booze has a velvety grip on him. His words are slurred, he has trouble walking and he is barely keeping it together. He will always remember the fans, however, both names and favorite songs. The man is a true professional.

At one of his ‘tour’ stops he is asked to help out and give his piano player’s niece an interview. Enter Maggie Gyllenhaal! This weird little chick has a sensuality that cannot be explained. I would not be surprised if she is a vampire or a Libertarian. There is no other way to explain her effect onscreen. For being so numbingly plain she certainly can make broad and bony shoulders seem naughty.

Cue forbidden love affair (forbidden because she looks 25 and he looks 65), Hollywood-style, saw-it-coming-from-a-mile-away third act drama and what do you have? A movie missing one thing: Colin Farrell.

Well, Britney – your prayers have been answered. Colin Farrell is in the movie and does a good job for a formerly washed up actor. Keep in mind that Eddie Murphy still holds the title for James ‘Thunder’ Early in Dreamgirls. And bonus points for the nickname.

The last 1/3 of the movie drags a little bit for me but it all gets wrapped up in a nice little bow. Keep in mind I have skipped major portions like his sex change etc – just kidding.

Survey Says – 3 stars
See this movie, buy the soundtrack and get some bleach to wash the image of Maggie and Jeff spooning out of your eyes.

Note: The above mentioned percentage total of 101% was intentionally incorrect.

This week’s 99 cent movie rentals on the Canadian iTunes store are:

• Emile
• The Burial Society
• The Red Violin

None are available in HD, unfortunately. The Made in Canada promotion continues with many Canadian-made films at reduced prices (most at $4.99).