Apple Movie Junkie

Written/directed by Floria Sigismondi, The Runaways, the true story of rock’s first successful all-girl band (pre-70’s), is a nimble romp through the early days of the genre-busting group. Based in part on the book by former lead singer Cherie Currie, The Runaways is not The Doors with lipstick. Instead it comes off as The Doors as if made by Lifetime. I assumed if there was a movie made about a famous rock band there would be an interesting tale to tell. Rock and roll, right?! Kind of. It all felt very simple to me – like an easy math problem: Desire + Luck = Famous. It isn’t that easy of course or I would be writing for Judd Apatow. My point is the success felt a little too pat for my tastes. But I do remember those days – if vaguely…

I was only 7 or so when heard ‘I Love Rock N Roll’ by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts for the first time. I can remember my older brother making me get up and flip the records back then – his mumbled threats of ‘beating my ass if I didn’t’ so real to me my knuckles would crack I would be flipping so fast. But man she could rock. It was, along with Centerfold by The J Geils band – one of my early favorites. Her videos slammed into my cortex like an 8 ball of grape Pixy Stix (see for yourself). Something about her struck a nerve with me – the dark hair, smoky eyes, fu attitude – it was quite a package. And I was only 7!

Way before girls would become an overwhelming, thought-obliterating tri-breasted (thanks Total Recall) monster in my life – there was Joan Jett (and Wonder Woman. I’ve been told, again, that there isn’t room in my reviews for any of my classic Wonder Woman fan fiction (still waiting for a valid reason why Eddie V) so I will instead make clever use of WordPress and hide a link to my WW erotica somewhere in the review of this watered down, still enjoyable movie). Regrettably, for the next 28 years or so, I would hear ‘Joan Jett’ and only think of I Love Rock N Roll, Crimson and Clover and my brother punching me. Her past rock life was as unknown to me as Divx is to our beloved Apple TVs. But no more – and I am not talking about XMBC.

15 year old (!) Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) runs into a mental record producer, Kim Fowley (Michael Shannon) and he takes a bit of a shine to her. Flash forward about a second and they are trolling the teen hangouts/bars for other bandmates. Enter Cherie Currie played by Dakota Fanning. Fast forward another few seconds and they are touring Japan as a one of the biggest acts around. Wha-?

The Runaways is over before you know it and not because of losing track of time in the sumptuous story telling. A tidy 85 minutes in and then a rushed and somewhat confusing 5 minute final act swiftly brings this piece of rock candy fluff to an end. Alas, what could have been. 2 ½ stars*.

*I know, I know. ‘Half star? But you promised! And there aren’t any unicorns!’ Calm down. Watch this movie and tell me the performances of Dakota Fanning and Michael Shannon don’t warrant the unusual inclusion of the ½ star.

This Date Night is a textbook descent into ‘good concept, poor execution SNL skit-town’ and Mango is the mayor.

Quite the opening line, huh? I’m trying something new here – a quick tag line to give you the gist of it. What’s the extended gist? We have two of the funniest people on television right now in Steve Carell and Tina Fey. Am I sure they’re funny? You tell me: 7 Emmy’s  and a Kids Choice Award…all on Tina’s mantle. No matter! These people are hilarious and just because Steve Carell doesn’t have any of the 8 awards Tina throws in his face every Red Carpet, he is still very funny. Unfortunately the number 8 also totals the number of jokes that hit in this movie.

The story certainly starts off promising enough with a couple of exhausted parents, Phil and Claire, trying to find the energy to do the no-pants polka. Like any married couple sometimes the signals can get crossed and you end up blindfolded getting a prostate check by the Poland Springs guy while your wife tries to find the right microSD card for the Nikon…. I’ve heard that can happen. Other times you forget about your partners feelings, their needs or your safe word and you can lose touch.

A scheduled date night looms and they decide to do it up Buxton-style and go into the city and eat at an authentically overpriced Manhattan restaurant. Of course, there are no tables and with their marriage showing cracks, they decide to take the reservation of another couple who seem not to have shown. As The Cars famously stated: Let the good times roll! That is until the local crime boss sends some thugs over to the restaurant to grab the people whom Phil and Claire are pretending to be. Shenanigans firmly established, the movie then rockets off into setup after setup – with some funny characters and amusing moments.

Considering the pedigrees of the stars in this film I was surprised at how tame it all seemed. I wondered if the script was brutal to begin with and they expected Fey and Carrel to Second City their way out of bad dialogue. Luckily, and this comment might bring down the entire internet – Mark Wahlberg saves the film.

Everyone still here? OK, good. I mean it. His shirtless badass is a breath of fresh air in this movie and about the only thing that rings true. His scenes with Phil and Claire are pretty funny and almost make the film. He oozes sexuality (my wife added that line – she edits me) and apparently fell into a vat of olive oil before each take. He is so shiny! He plays a very central and integral role and I wouldn’t want to spoil it much beyond what the trailer showed you.

This review has been hard for me. There are definitely some funny moments but in reading back my review it seems like I didn’t like it at all. I think I just had overly high expectations for them teaming up. Kind of like the movie Heat with Pacino and De Niro. I couldn’t wait for them to share a screen and when they did I was left unfulfilled.

Will you laugh? Yes. Are there some memorable moments? Yes. Highlights include any scene with Mark Wahlberg, the strip club absurdity and the blooper enhanced credits. It’s just OK and I say that from a place of love. 2 stars.

Have you ever felt alone? Do you read comic books and make teenage girls uncomfortable? Have you ever felt that there was more to this life than just awkwardness and loneliness? Are you aware of the world record for number of questions to open a movie review? Have you ever wanted to be a superhero?

Based on the comic book by Mark Millar, KICK-ASS tells the origin story of Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) who decides that he’s had enough of his current, stale living situation. What makes it stale? He spends his days masturbating to National Geographics and his English teacher’s unrestrained middle-aged bombs. When not eating dinner in silence with his Dad, he goes to the comic book store with his two nerd friends – one of whom is the up-and-coming Clarke Duncan from Sex Drive and Hot Tub Time Machine. He wonders aloud why the role of superhero has not been filled by anyone in real life. His friends laugh at him and tell him he’s crazy – that anyone who tried it would be dead before the end of the day. Dave doesn’t think so. Dave thinks it’s time for a hero that people can believe in. Dave has an Amazon Prime account and a lust for green neoprene scuba suits. And so we begin.

Watching Dave in disguise as KICK-ASS as he comes upon his first group of ruffians is exhilarating. You can feel the adrenaline coursing through his body as he enters the fray. Hell, I had the same 6-pack of 5-Hour Energy feeling just watching him prepare for battle. Haven’t we all had this fantasy of being a superhero and curb-stomping our way through the crime-ridden areas of our cities? It would be so freaking GREAT! This movie pumps you up and then makes you want to get up and punch a politician.

Meanwhile, Dave’s heroic battle is caught on video and uploaded to YouTube. A phenomenon is born not seen since that kid who was on meth after his dentist appointment. People are excited, people are talking, and people are inspired. Suddenly the criminals of the city have other superheroes to worry about: Big Daddy and Hit Girl. Big Daddy is Batman with a hangover and early onset dementia played wonderfully by a suddenly resurgent Nick Cage. He has been picking the right roles lately. Hit Girl… needs her own paragraph.

Hit Girl is an 11 year old, dockside sailor-mouthed killing machine who would give Jet Li a run for his money. A one-girl death squad with a Hello Kitty backpack stuffed with guns and knives, she piles up bodies like a snowplow. She can take a beating also – which admittedly was a little uncomfortable to watch. She is a great character and I would love to see more of her.

Is there a bad guy in this film? Sure, but who cares? This movie is a vehicle for kids to KICK-ASS and KICK-ASS they do. KICK-ASS has a frenetic pace, a stylish look, bawdy dialogue, some great casting choices and is topped by a great soundtrack. Kill Bill with kids describes this film to a large degree. And that is a good thing. You should have a great time during this movie as you discover what it’s like to be a superhero. Does this green scuba suit make me look fat? 3 stars.

If you’ve read any of my older reviews, and let’s not kid ourselves – you haven’t, you know that I have a love of gods, monsters, magic and mythology. Clash of the Titans mostly delivers on the promise of gods fighting humans for control of the world. Toss in a few monsters and this Daddy likey.

Clash of the Titans tells the story of a young man, Perseus, who is wronged by the gods and seeks his revenge. Our protagonist faces many trials along the way, including giant scorpions, a creature from the black lagoon and lest we forget, Medusa, the original stone cold killer (Ed’s note: weak pun)?

If you remember the original Clash of the Titans, there are some changes made in this film, but not enough to have you run screaming from the theater or find it unrecognizable. Some of the roles are reduced from the first film and, sadly, there is little to no fan service to those who grew up on the campy 80s flick (there is one brief, albeit notable exception). Perseus, played by Avatar’s Sam Worthington, is less likeable and more angst ridden than Harry Hamlin’s silky-coifed original. Maybe the fun-loving 80s had something to do with lending a lighter tone to the original, but everyone seems angrier in the new version.

But let’s be honest, the story is really just an excuse to have mortals battling giant mythological beasts and minions from the underworld. Stripped of any other reason for existing, the story achieves its goals on this score. The characters dutifully go from set to set, fighting to the death in glorious, poorly choreographed and blurry action sequences. Admittedly, there are still awe-inspiring moments, such as when the Kraken explodes forth from the boiling sea to take on the townspeople or a bow-slung Medusa slithers among the ruins.

Acting standouts include Liam Neeson as Zeus and Jason Flemyng as Calibos. For reasons known only to the scriptwriters, the rest of the gods are set dressing only – inexplicably including Poseidon. Of some note is the part played by Gemma Arterton as Andromeda. Unfortunately this character was transformed so much from the origin role that I was distracted when she was onscreen. For some reason Andromeda was changed from a motherly, somewhat fierce god to a bombshell who wants to create lots of little demigods with Perseus.

For an early spring/summer blockbuster, this rebooted Clash of the Titans delivers on over-the-top action and excitement. At its best, this popcorn movie is semi-enjoyable throughout, but feels like it was born without a soul. Don’t expect the mind-blowing movie-making levels of a film like Inception, and you may even enjoy this new Clash. 2 stars

Cop Out stars Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan as two cops who unravel a moronic mystery served up by an anemic villain born from Rosie O’Donnell and Tony Borowiak of All-4-One fame (‘I Swear’ – you know you remember). Sean William Scott stole the trailer and continued on to steal the movie as his character is pretty amusing. The rest of the cast bears no mention and reminded me of the roster of the Cleveland Cavs when LeBron still fake-cared: Money for one star and 10 guys from the Y fill out the rest. I would bet they wanted Eddie Murphy but couldn’t afford him. And yes I know Eddie is box office death but this movie would have been perfect for him. They even tried ripping off the great Beverly Hills Cop theme ‘Axel F’ by Harold Faltermeyer. Unreal.

The movie zooms along frenetically from plot point to plot point, ham fistedly throwing story arcs around like batarangs. They try very hard to fill your mind with subplots so that you don’t focus on the fact that one of the cops is mentally handicapped.

Plotlines aside, the movie is still terrible. It seems the directors main job was to give Tracy Morgan a face full of meth-laced blow before every scene and watch him scream his lines. Even with the meth I still think it was only a fraction of the ratass crazy swirling around his dome. Unleashing the full force of Tracy Morgan might end the world. I think the Mayans had it right and the end of the world is coming on December 21 2012 when they release Cop Out Deux.

Cop Out is one of the worst movies I’ve seen since last week. There – I said it. No preamble. No waxing lyrical about anything. The extended skit is brutally bad and an insult to Bruce Willis and his tough guy legacy. The movie spreads the chuckles out like a one legged hobo at a candy convention. It has been done better – much better – in many other films. Look for Midnight Run, Lethal Weapon, Hot Fuzz et all.

Get ready for more because it is one of the first of an inevitable avalanche of buddy cop movies coming out over the next few years. They mixed it up with a little chocolate in the vanilla pudding but a mentally ill Tracy Morgan can’t save an inept Bruce Willis. Bruce should stick to Die Hard and The Whole Nine yards threequels. 1 star.

The Bounty Hunter stars Jen Aniston and Gerard Butler as exes thrown together by circumstance. Think of it like the classic Midnight Run without any of the elements that made it a classic: storyline or actor chemistry. Since the writers and directors just mailed it in I will do the same for the review.

The title spells out most of what you need to know, and my opening paragraph fills in the rest. That pretty much gives you the storyline. Any amount of rom-com movie watching you’ve experienced in the last 50 years will also help as you’ve seen it all before, and in many cases better.

Jen Aniston is a delight in Friends reruns. Her appeal apparently ended in syndication because her act is tired. When that body goes I worry for her career. I would say her talents are wasted in this role but in reality it is about as good as it gets for her.

Gerard Butler is basically a groin with legs. Its entire film career proves this. Yes the groin can talk with an accent and has a mischievous grin but its talents end there. And no, Mom, baby making is not a talent. Yes I know he’s hot as grits.

This is the part of the review where I rail against the Hollywood machine for putting out this drivel or I lament talented actors picking bad roles. I don’t feel comfortable doing that here though. I think everyone involved got what they deserved from what they put into it.

In my opinion there are times in this movie when the ‘plot’ is revealed for what it truly was – a construct to pair a horny producer with Jen Aniston. The movie was a byproduct of this unholy pairing and it shows in every frame. And can someone please tell me why Gerard Butler keeps getting work? Watch this movie muted and ogle the pretty people. 1 star.