Peter Jackson – living legend. Middle Earth Grand Master (take that Arthur Rankin)!

The world absolutely loved the Lord of the Rings trilogy so I had high hopes that he could direct another blockbuster. The title was odd and something I didn’t remember from Tolkien’s work but I have a life, am I right? Anyway, when I first heard about this movie I ran out and purchased a large box of adult orangutan diapers. Peter Jackson and the Olympians: The Lighting Thief would be his triumphant return to the fantasy world he so obviously crawled out of. I knew that I needed to be first in line at the theater, probably 2-3 weeks early, and I wanted to be prepared for the inevitable situations that would arise. To my surprise, I didn’t have to worry about a line forming for the movie in the weeks before so I had stopped sleeping out in front of the theater. I continued to wear the diapers as I found them surprisingly absorbent.

My anticipation levels reached a fever pitch the day it opened. When I stopped by Lenscrafters for my new glasses I eagerly chatted up my eye care specialist, Xtin’a. He claimed to have read the book but kept going on about Zeus, Poseidon and the rest of the Greek gods. He went on and on about a boy who discovers he is part of an ancient family, humans and gods getting it on (backstory only), transforming pen-swords and friendship unsullied by blood, hell or Medusa.

It sounded like a ripping good time to be had for $10 even if Xtin’a was wrong about the plot. I love stories about the Greek gods and being directed by Peter Jackson was the icing on the lembas (look it up).He was obviously lying and hadn’t read the book so I complimented him on his bedazzled eye-patch and left for the theater.

And then I put on my new glasses. Percy Jackson, not Peter Jackson. And judging by my lopsided sideburns the old prescription had other unintended consequences. Color me embarrassed.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief is a pretty good movie based on a pretty good set of books. The action is fast paced with some great sets and scary monsters. While not in the same realm as Harry Potter, I daresay I enjoyed it more than any of the Narnia films.  I highly recommend the books and if we’re both lucky you may find yourself branching out into other areas of myth and legend. As for the movie itself, I am obliged to give it a wistful 2.5 stars.

In the spirit of the 80’s theme of the movie this will be an interactive, choose-your-own-adventure type of review. I think this movie will benefit from this approach due to the 80’s cultural references so let’s begin:

1. Did you live in the 80’s between the ages of 12 and 20?

Yes? Go to #2. No? Go to #12.

2. Do you like inexplicable nudity on hot women?

Yes? Go to #7. No? Really? OK, well…Go to #12.

3. Do you like 80’s music, ‘cause the film is full of hot hair bands?

Yes? Go to #4. No? Go to #12.

4. Can you appreciate the finer points of Rob Cordry, who steals the film?

Yes? Go to #6. No? Go to #12.

5. Do you mind the science of time travel being delivered by a wasted Chevy Chase?

Yes? Go to #8. No? Go to #12.

6. Did you like The Wedding Singer?

Yes? Go to #5. No? Go to #12.

7. Is this funny line funny to you? ‘I’ve had, like, two wine kills, Captain Buzzcooler.’

Yes? Go to #3. No? Go to #12.

8. Do you love running gags throughout a movie that might involve Back to the Future and dismemberment?

Yes? Go to #9  No? Go to #12.

9. Do you like Jon and Kate plus Eight?

Just wondering. Go to the next question. Or click here.

10. Do you like prank phone calls with hilarious consequences?

Yes? Go to #11. No? Go to #12.

11. Buy or rent this film even if you can’t answer #1 in the affirmative. I saw it with a mixed group and we all loved it. Other people I know had trouble with all the 80’s references but there is still comedy to be found here regardless of your age. It is hilarious. There are many quotable lines that you will be using over and over again. John Cusack has some good lines but this is Rob Cordry’s film from the moment he rocks out in his garage. There is also a sequel already laid out if you listen closely to some past trip they took. Watch this with some friends and you won’t be disappointed. Three stars.

12. You’re dead inside. Go to 10.

Can a post apocalyptic movie be uplifting? Can Denzel Washington play any other character besides an angry police officer/bodyguard? Does Gary Oldman remind you of the homeless man on the corner you pass every day who is cross examining a dead pigeon? In a world that is a blasted wasteland dotted with pockets of huddled, bedraggled humanity – or maybe they just shot it in Detroit – you will find your answers. Read on…

The Book of Eli stars Denzel Washington as Eli and Gary Oldman as Carnegie, characters in a story as old as the pickle-age of Oldman’s liver (114). Eli walks west, trying to mind his own business while carrying a book that Gary Oldman wants more than a shower.

In a world that has moved on after a cataclysm, basic necessities are worth gold. Shampoo and lighters are currency for water, food and lodging. Scavenging corpses for any sort of valuables is the only way to survive. If you don’t have any shampoo or fire you can try and make useful items from found detritus. Eli saunters into town looking to barter some forehead gloves for pepperoni Hot Pockets and ends up square in the sights of Carnegie, the local mayor. When the two cross paths bullets and body parts fly.

Directed by the Hughes brothers, the landscape traveled by Eli is a thoroughly convincing, bleak ‘scape, populated with disturbing characters befitting a world gone to hell. Watching Eli move through these situations, always calculating his exit strategy, is a treat to watch. Eli is nothing but precise in his movements and watching him negotiate his way out of trouble is quite disturbing but in an oddly satisfying way. Seeing justice dealt in such a gruesome fashion just feels right.

The story is solid and don’t let it enter your mind that a simple locked room at a Motel 6 could have solved everything. The journey is a fun one and I have saved something for the fellas I have not mentioned about the film hidden in this sentence, Mila Kunis.

The movie is not only about Eli smashing his way through the west. There is a deeper message in the film that is right up my alley: faith. Faith is something that cannot be proven nor disproved – it just is. Eli is doing what he does based on faith and faith alone. The film deals with these themes in a very broad way but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. George Michael had it right: You gotta have faith, faith, faith. 3 stars.

Watching the Daybreakers trailer on my Apple TV was a great joy of mine. Atmospheric and gritty I would watch it every weekend, hoping for a new version of the trailer. I love vampires and I was looking forward to a fresh take on the old story – and this film, for the most part, does not disappoint.

The movie Daybreakers presupposes a world run by vampires. Human beings, those that are left, are either hunted or hooked up to large blood draining machines. The human race is dwindling as the vampires capture/destroy them so time is running out on their food supply. A blood substitute is high on their list of priorities (after night tennis) and they have the best of the best working on it. What are a gaggle of vampires to do when the blood substitutes aren’t working and humans keep dying? You’ll have to watch the movie to find out but I can tell you it will be a mostly enjoyable ride.

Ethan Hawke is a specialist trying to invent the blood substitute for the vampires. As mentioned above the tests are not…well, let’s just say they need to check their formula again. While out driving one night he has an accident with a bunch of illegal humans and offers to help them. This starts a chain of events that will change the world.

The world, I should mention, is fully realized with cars that have day driving modes and where a regular coffee means a splash of blood instead of cream. For the first half the film does a great job supporting its own premise which many movies fail at miserably (hello Prince Caspian). The second half falls off a bit as the action sequences take over but I think there was still room to buttress the idea. Peter Jackson didn’t take any scenes off…

The film took a slight downturn when Willem Dafoe turned up for reason that will have to remain shrouded in mystery. His acting ability, always suspect in my mind anyway, reminded me of Liza Minelli’s performance at my local theaters reimagining of Fiddler on the Roof. You get the idea.

The film is dark, extremely gory at times and has an interesting, stark look until near the end. The story is very interesting and I would have liked to have seen another 15 minutes worth of vampire life in this new world. 3 stars. Willem Dafoe 1 star.

Please do not believe what you saw on the Huffington Post – I am indeed alive. To those of you worried enough about my wellbeing to reach out to Eddie V., please stop emailing and calling as he is overwhelmed with the two messages. The reason for my slight delay in delivering another great movie review can be boiled down to one simple thing: Never try the fresh clams at a roadside bowling alley in Oklahoma.

Unlike the gastrointestinal issues I suffered on the way back from said state, I have great memories of The Wolfman, a rip-roaring slasher flick that does a great job mixing the old with the new. Seeing this movie made me fondly remember the old Ceature Double Feature movie block on WLVI TV56 here in Boston. The entire “feel” of the movie is spot on – from the music to the lighting to the camera angles.

Benecio Del Toro stars as a popular actor who heads back home to help out his family during a crisis. Upon arriving he is entangled in a mystery that will soon lead him to question everything he knows and loves. Going home to a place you have never felt comfortable and dealing with old prejudices and slights has never been so expertly captured on film. I remember having those feelings at certain times in my life – every one of them. Well, except the taste for human flesh. That has never happened to me.

Anthony Hopkins, as the father, glides around each frame like a wizened, mental Elton John. His pale, creased face, looking like my grandmother’s ankles, glints with mischievous delight as he revels in picking apart his son. His story is a good one and he plays the majority of his role well.

Emily “The Body” Blunt (Editor’s note: You are the only one who calls her that – yeeHAW!) serves very little purpose throughout the film except to show some milky British back and cry occasionally. She is not bad per se but she is just…there. Without giving too much plot away regarding her twin sister who turns out to be Mothra, let me just say that her role is forgettable.

Lord Elrond (Hugo Weaving) continues to play the same role in every film he plays. Most of what he says could be cut right into Lord of the Rings without missing a beat. I do give his mustache 3 stars, however.

This movie is about The Wolfman and what it is to be The Wolfman  – and it delivers. When The Wolfman leaps onscreen the first time you will be afraid. Skin and limbs fly like the wrap party KFC buffet at The Biggest Loser. This is a well crafted movie that you should watch at night with a bowl of popcorn and some grape Zarex. Is it perfect? Is any movie other than Wedding Crashers? 3 stars.

Shutter Island stars Leonardo DiCaprio as a U.S. Marshal investigating a missing patient at a mental hospital for the criminally insane. During the investigation he has to come to grips with a past trauma that threatens to tear him apart. Sounds like an exciting thriller, right?

For the most part it is. The story twists and turns, characters say strange and interesting things with only their eyes and the atmosphere drips with secrets and menace. There are some sequences that are disturbing in a very subtle way. You will be thinking about the themes of this movie long after it is over. This can be credited directly to the director, Martin Scorsese. Who’s that, you ask?

Martin Scorsese is a genius director who has blessed us with some of the greatest movies presented on the silver screen. I am in awe of this man and the movies he creates. He is untouchable in my eyes and any dissenting opinion will be met with crushing blows from my powdered wig collection.

The clues flutter around you like butterfly wings as you try to piece together what is wrong at this hospital. Scorsese gives you just enough info to keep the truth just out of reach and the climax, while subdued, is still satisfying. After you watch this film you may want to watch it again. You’ll understand why – trust me.

3 stars.

PS If you read the book you will be missing some motivation for the characters and some back story that, in my opinion, would have made a better film.

PPS I find myself staring at my wig collection with increasing wariness.